Retrospection

In a discussion yesterday I hit upon a thought I hadn’t really put into words before.

It’s about art, but it concerns writing and musicianship as well.

I noted that at age 60, I have lost all my youthful confidence and self-assuredness about art. When I was young, I thought my work was destined to be important, and would be meaningful to many people, not just me. I believed I could do anything, and learn any new technique on the fly at full bore. If it was a thing, I could do it right away and it would be great.

This sort of swaggering confidence carried me through picking art back up, drawing comics for others, demanding fair prices for my work, and my long illustration career. It’s what made me successful, I’m sure of it. I wasn’t faking it till I made it, but I simply was sure that my art had meaning and value.

Now, I’m older. I’m surrounded by media that shows people doing amazing things. Sometimes, they art they make blows my mind. I really cannot understand how many of these creatives see the world, nor understand their marvelous techniques.

I had fans in the comic world. I wasn’t well known, but I was known. People liked my work and showered me with compliments. But, that was a tiny world, and I’m pretty sure that many of the people who bought my art weren’t great judges of artistic merit.

So, I didn’t get famous, and my art doesn’t matter to a preponderance of people. I take tremendous pride in making the best art I can, but I realize there are lots of people ahead of me in a the line. Lots.

Basically, decades, experience, and wisdom has blown my ego to shreds. That’s not all bad, mind you. When I study art now, or take classes, I don’t assume any sort of superiority, or that there is nothing really for me to learn. I guess you could say I approach art with a child-like attitude, amazed at everything I learn, influenced by people I would have once taken little notice of. I’m not cocky, or defensive, or resentful. I’m just a student who would like to be much better at what I do.

Years ago, there was a would-be comic artist who gas-lighted me, and I fell for it. It was at a low point in my life, and his insidious voice broke through my armor and strangled my self-esteem. Now I see it for what it was. Perhaps it was jealousy or over-confidence on his part, But the damage was done, and it took me a long time to come back from it. Honestly, I think it still affects me. He dropped me like hot potato when I quit comics, anyway.

There is also the instance of a person who was very important to me, and she loved that I was interested in art, but not interested in what I made. She hung work by all the artists in the family but mine. She always offered unasked-for advice on how I could leave my current subject matter behind and produce work that people actually people would want. She didn’t understand illustration, and only liked fine art, and I was an illustrator by choice. This hurt a great deal, I’ll be honest, but I didn’t let it stop me. There is no need to forgive her, because I always forgave her unconditionally, and I get it. But, the hurt was real, too.

If you have a creative person in your life, be kind to them about their art. It’s easier to harm them than you imagine.

On the off-hand occurrence that you found this post and read it, thanks.